A Modest Proposal: Why We Need an International Clothing Ban

What a shame, seeing all these wonderful, beautiful women in Iran being controlled by their own morality police. The overbearing, violent government over there has been violently preventing women from appearing in public without the proper headwear. The sheer intensity of the conflict between the government and the public has already had such a negative impact on the people, and it can only get worse if nothing gets done. For all we know, it can turn into a repeat of the Boston Tea Party; the women of Iran getting more fierce, more ferocious, so much to the point that they realize they’ve had enough and they finally revolt; the only thing standing between them and the taste of sweet, sweet freedom is the people who are supposed to protect them, and it’s time for us to do something about this travesty that is suffocating our freedom of expression. 

In order to rid all this violent conflict surrounding what people should or shouldn’t have to wear has led me to this conclusion: clothes should be banned worldwide altogether. If we were all dressed the same by not being dressed at all, there would be no judgment stemming from what people are wearing; there would be no violent conflict. All of us would truly be free. Plus, our youth would grow up in an environment where they were comfortable in their own skin, and who doesn’t love self-respect?

Imagine this: the sunlight beating against our backs, the sweat dripping down our raw flesh, all while we are all in our true form, all while we are all in our most vulnerable states. Our skin and our souls, out in the wind for everyone to see and appreciate. Vulnerability is so important when it comes to creating meaningful connections with our fellow human beings, and being completely naked can only improve our chances at making these genuine connections with others. 

While I am certain that our social lives would all greatly improve once we make this ban, our economy would improve, as well. Since none of us would be wasting ridiculous amounts of money on meaningless shreds of fabric to cover our backs, so much money would be saved, and all this money should go to the people who really need it: the children. All this money would go to countless school districts all around the world, improving the education system and teaching our youth what’s really important, like the history of why clothes are incredibly useless and how you shouldn’t waste money on any kind of attire whatsoever. Once these little boys and girls learn more about our world, our world will automatically become a better place.

First, it would start off slow; first, the ban of all underpants. Then go the shirts, and then the pants. That way, everyone one be so shocked at the lack of clothing all at once, so we can ease them in slowly instead. Every family should then take the money that they would have spent on clothing and give a small percentage of it to the government, that way all the institutions around the country that need this money more than we do can get that money, and our nation will be better because of it. 

To make sure that everyone is following all these rules and regulations, everyone will have to be forced to wear a government-issued security camera strapped around their necks, like a necklace; that way, everyone is sure to live their lives to the fullest while being completely exposed. Did you know that in some areas with surveillance cameras, there can be up to a 50% decrease in crime? And what should be more illegal than judging our fellow humans, especially based on what they wear? The only thing that sounds more ridiculous is allowing anything to get in the way of coming one step closer to becoming a perfect society. And let’s say, hypothetically, one were to get in the way of accepting the fact that as a society, we need to do everything in our power to become closer to one another; if they refuse to fully expose themselves to the world, deline the government-issued security necklace, or if they decide to be foolish and don’t do either, an officer of the law will show up at your place of residence and take you away. No one knows exactly where you go; all you know is that you are never coming back.

The biggest institution that would benefit from the banishment of all clothes in this great nation would be the education system. I mean that’s what school is for – for teaching us all common sense, and what makes more sense than creating a system where we rid all judgment and violence? Creating this new law would mean less negativity and more room for growth in this great economy, shaping a more valuable society for generations to come.

Some might think that banning all clothes might not even make sense at all; they might think that although we’re getting rid of all judgment based on what we wear, there would still be a lot of judgment surrounding our bodies. But, if everyone is equal when it comes to not wearing anything, would there even be judgment? And if there were, wouldn’t it be worth it to improve our nation’s economy?

It seems that many people have a problem with the weather, and that it might feel uncomfortable to be completely in the nude while the cold slowly creeps upon us. But think about this; when we were slipping and sliding out of our mother’s womb, were you wearing a nice, warm knitted sweater? Were you wearing a freshly shined pair of loafers? No, no you weren’t. We get birthed into this world with nothing but the umbilical cord connecting our souls with our mothers’, and we don’t even hang onto that. We must keep our natural forms the way God intended them to be. If He wanted us to come into this world with clothes on our back, He would’ve made that happen. We will just have to adapt to our environment and fully expose ourselves to the elements, just like we were born to do.

So, this is why from now on, all clothes should be banished from our great nation; throughout our country’s history, there have been many issues surrounding our economy from the Great Depression all the way to the recession in the early 2000s. This proves the fact that we have to do whatever we can in order to save as much money as we can, and the most simple way to do this is to stop wasting money on non-essentials, and what’s more useless than clothing? All clothes do is cover the skin on your back, but all the money going towards this form of “shelter” can go towards educating the youth and feeding the poor. At the end of the day, what would be more beneficial for the future of this great nation I believe can be even greater one day?

If any of this sounds appealing to you, joining Ms. Stasavage’s AP English Language and Composition class could be a good move to make. AP Lang gives people the opportunity to learn about the different strategies it takes to create a quality piece of writing, as well as the opportunity to write about a wide variety of topics. If you enjoy writing but not reading extremely long sources, this class is for you; you get to read an assortment of nonfiction texts that you will learn how to properly annotate and analyze. Then, you write about the inner workings of a writer’s mind and how they almost manipulate their audience into siding with them. Overall, AP Language is one of the most interesting classes I have ever taken, and I highly recommend taking it with the wonderful Ms. Stasavage!